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Scribbler's Sanctuary | ||
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HUMOR: --a few things (from sources we've unfortunately long since forgotten) that we thought were funny and decided to share:
WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars; see if they slow down. Page yourself over the intercom at work; don't disguise your voice. When asked to do something, say, "Do you want fries with that?" Ask people what gender they are; laugh hysterically after they answer. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." Sing along at the opera. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. Have your co-workers address you by your "stripper name,"--the name of your first pet plus the name of the first street you lived on. When the money comes out the ATM, scream, "I won! I won!" When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!!" Over dinner tell your kids, "Due to the economy, we're going to have to let one of you go."
FUN THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART Ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay-away. Move all of the wet floor signs to carpeted areas. Have the service desk page Godot, saying his party is waiting. "Move in" to one of the display tents; invite others to join you if they bring blankets and pillows from the bedding department. While looking at hunting rifles, ask the sporting goods clerk for Prozac because your prescription ran out. Grab chips and a lawn chair, then turn all of the tv's in electronics to your favorite show; relax and enjoy. Try on several different styles of teddies or thongs on top of your clothing. Buy a tray of goodies from the deli; walk around and offer fellow shoppers "free samples." Enter a fitting room, then wait for a few minutes and announce, "This one's out of toilet paper!"
THINGS WE WOULD LOVE TO SAY AT WORK I see your point but I still think you're full of crap. I'll try to be nicer if you'll try to be smarter. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. Failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine. I see the screw-up fairy has visited again. I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce. Once you learn to worship me we'll get along just fine. It sounds like English, but I don't understand a word you're saying. Nice perfume; must you marinate in it? I like you; you remind me of when I was young and stupid. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. You sound reasonable; time to up my medication! If I could control my anger I would use it to destroy you. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. ...and your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...? I will always cherish my initial misconception that you were competent. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer. People like you are the reason people like me need medication. Whatever look you were trying for, you missed. Is it possible to set a laser printer to stun? Is never good for you? It's such a shame stupidity isn't deadly. Does your train of thought have a caboose? Sorry, you caught me at a bad time: between 'Hello' and 'Goodbye.' |
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